I use Twitter pretty prolifically for expressing my distaste for things, people, and events, but sometimes 140 characters just doesn’t cut it. It occurred to me that I really have no designated place to get my rant on from time to time, and having seen other author blogs do this week, I am adding a new feature to my site… Wednesday Wrant. The twist is, at some point, I plan to turn these rants into a manuscript of some kind, so stay tuned!

So, as the title might imply, my rant this week is about coffee pots. My fingerprints are, apparently rife with some kind of crazy Kryptonite for coffee machines. This is a fairly recent development, about the last four years or so. Before that, I always just kind of bought a cheap-o coffee pot because, hey, coffee is coffee, right? But a few years ago, when my boyfriend and I were dating, and lived in separate apartments, we each had our own cheap-o coffee pots. His was a little 4-cupper that he’d had for about eighty years, and the little on/off switch (yes, the kind you actually switch, not the button) finally stuck in the off position, meaning it was time for a new one.

He had some gift cardage to use up, so he decided to get a fancy-ish coffee pot to replace it. When we moved in together, I still had the coffee pot from my apartment, which we kept as a backup. The entire time we had the backup, nothing went wrong with our fancy-ish coffee pot. Fast forward to the time we move to Texas, where I still have the backup coffee pot at our old place while my boyfriend gets things ready at our place in Texas. There’s only so much stuff we can take, so I relinquish the backup coffee maker.

As soon as we finish moving me to Texas, our fancy coffee pot decides that it, too, prefers the power button in the off position, and it decides to stay there, as if it knows we have no backup coffee pot anymore. So our solution, naturally, is to go out and get a more expensive, fancier coffee maker. Fast forward four months, and the thing is now stuck on “clean”. I Googled the problem, which is apparently in our coffee pot’s model. Lots of people have had it, but no one has solved it. I tried running a few pots of water through it and unplugging it for a few hours, and the clean button finally went off, and it didn’t beep incessantly. I did a happy dance around the kitchen and did an Aaron Rodgers touchdown dance (or discount double-check, whichever you prefer), displaying my amazing human triumph over machine.

Until the next morning, when I went to brew a pot of coffee and the Clean button came back on. I pressed, and pressed it, trying to get it to go away. It just beeped at me. Thank you, fancy expensive coffee pot. I am just going to tell myself that you’re making nice, clean coffee for me, and buy your cheaper cousin when I inevitably break this one.